Okay, now I must admit that I have a problem.

Perhaps Mark is rubbing off on me. He has this tendency toward obsessive behavior, whereupon he will latch onto a particular topic and shake the life out of it. He uses his superior journalistic abilities to perform extensive online research, and will blather on and on about the subject for weeks. Some of his more memorable obsessions have been with smoothies, the film Topsy Turvy (he is such a huge Gilbert and Sullivan freak now), and actress Jennifer Connelly. (The latter was my fault, I think. We were watching Pollock when he turned to me and said, “She looks like you. She has big boobs.” I was rather amused by this, and of course would not let him forget about it. A few months later, she’s on every talk show promoting A Beautiful Mind, and then she won that Golden Globe...)

Anyway, now I’ve gone nutty, and my topic of dementia is Extreme. Arggggh!!

So I’ve been listening to that album way too much. But I like it! And I’m starting to analyze their music now. First of all, the lyrics: corny as all hell. They use more cliches than Steven Tyler! Which brings up an interesting possibility: is there something about living in Boston that fosters lyrical banality? I mean, look at some of the famous groups from Boston: Extreme, Aerosmith, Boston (the band), New Kids on the Block (as if they actually wrote their own lyrics!), The Mighty Mighty Bosstones... do you see a pattern? Here’s an example from Extreme:

“I’m in need of someone to tie my shoe/Take hold of my hand when I become afraid/And whose footsteps will I follow into?/Daddy, please, don’t run away...” (From “Our Father”, the deadbeat dad song)

Another song, “Stop the World”, is completely composed of stupid cliches. What can you expect from a song with the chorus, “Stop the world/Stop the world/I wanna get off”?? But I still like it.

Have I mentioned that III Sides to Every Story is a CONCEPT album? Did you think that was even an option in 1992? Then again, reference Soundgarden’s Superunknown, from the same period. Apparently all that grunge pathos made the Queen/Van Halen-loving pop metalheads feel the need to compete philosophically. Yeah, their influences are like, SO apparent. Nuno Bettencourt (an extremely underrated musician) alternates between Brian May and Eddie Van Halen the whole time, and Gary Cherone (who, you may recall, became Van Halen’s lead singer for a short time 1999-ish) has the same sort of huge girly falsetto and powerful lead vocals as Freddie Mercury. With the added benefit that he is HOT (unlike Freddie Mercury, may his soul rest, for whom I have the utmost respect as a fellow musician but NOT as a sex symbol). Dude, he is, like, BUFF and stuff. Mmmm.

Though I know Helen prefers the petite, Boniato-esque good looks of Nuno Bettencourt. Remember singing “More Than Words” in the back of the Math Team bus? I still sing those harmonies every time I hear it on the radio. Memories... Where is Jason Morace these days, I wonder? Sounds like a project for Classmates.com!

So my analysis of Extreme so far is as follows: Beantown corn-ball lyrics plus Queen-style glam rock plus Van Halen-esque L.A. hard rock plus a dash of prog-rock (alla Yes or, no, more like Rush) plus...and here’s the kicker...MUSICAL THEATER! Whodathunkit? But whenever I listen to the last “movement” of III Sides to Every Story, I wonder why Jim Steinman’s name was left off the album credits. It came as no surprise that when Extreme broke up circa 1997, Gary Cherone did not hesitate to join a production of Jesus Christ Superstar. It all adds up. But it brings to mind a more personal question: given that I hate musical theater, why is it that I like “rock opera” in most of its forms? I know I bought that Dennis DeYoung Broadway CD as a joke, but the truth is that I actually enjoy it. And I definitely like Meat Loaf (the first album, anyway). And Ian Gillian of Deep Purple was the title character in the original London production of Jesus Christ Superstar (which is awesome). What about big production-number story songs like “Thunder Road”? And liking Queen is just an admission of guilt.

What is WRONG with me?! Why do I like such cheesy-ass music?

The answer to these questions, dear Readers, is up to you...

For more information on III Sides to Every Story, check this out...