I don't know how I feel right now...

My professor made me cry in class today. But it wasn't his fault! I was working on my aria again, and he made a Method-style suggestion to me--he asked me to think of a time when I was in complete agony. And he whispered it. And it was already too late--I was already well on my way to weeping. I tried to calm myself down before I started singing again, but it didn't work. So I figured I might as well start. Well, that just made it worse. I continued after the "agony" phrases, but I couldn't shake it, and my larynx started going up anyway, so I just stopped singing, apologizing and intending to continue in a minute. But I was a wreck! And I didn't even have a chance to think of being in agony--I just started to choke up. It was kind of embarrassing. My professor apologized, but I told him that it was okay, that it wasn't his fault, that I would go back up in a second. But it was apparent that I would not be able to continue. I didn't really cry in the room, but I ended up having to step out of class for a few minutes to let some of it out and calm down. I guess it was residual from yesterday (and last night on the phone with Mark--I don't know why I have such a problem with people telling me I'm wonderful). But I don't want people to think I'm crazy! I don't want to be like that girl Christy on The Bachelor, famous for weeping on national television two weeks in a row and telling Aaron, "I just want you to know that I'm not a basketcase!" through her sobs... (Ah, the irony!) Well, I guess some people would think it's great that I can cry on a whim. But I couldn't control it... I just feel a little exposed, you know? And nobody looks pretty when they cry--red nose, red eyes, eyeshadow coming off, yuck. I'm still at a loss as to why I couldn't control my emotions. I know it has something to do with my professor...there's something very open and earnest about him, I think--like he's the kind of person that can read people's inner thoughts, or whatever...It scares me a little, I'll admit. Not that I'm scared of him--but perhaps of what he'd see if he read my mind...

Oh God, I don't even know what I'm talking about... "Mein armer Kopf ist mir verrueckt..." I'm just a mess right now. And I'm not even due for a hormonal week...and I'm certainly not PG or anything... Maybe I just need to relax this weekend and look at the autumn leaves or something. I'm wound up too tight these days...

Current music: that Enigma song with the chanting monks and the French stuff...