I wrote this at about 2pm today:

I need to get this binge thing under control. It's starting to affect my singing. Last night I had a sort of mild binge--it could even be considered a junk food dinner--of 1/2 a bag of Doritos, 1/3 of a pint of ice cream (Super Fudge Chunk!), and 2 candy bars. And this morning I woke up hoarse again. I went to the health clinic, and the doctor said that there was basically nothing wrong with me--just a viral infection, maybe. She prescribed Allegra, which should get me through the worst of the sinus stuff. But my sinuses haven't been too bad--I've had a postnasal drip, I guess, but the main problem has been hoarseness in the morning and the evening. And since my voice teacher hasn't said anything to me about nodes--I was fine on Monday for my lesson--the problem is probably acid reflux. It does tend to appear with irritable bowel syndrome, so it's not surprising anyway, but diet can have a huge effect. Basically I shouldn't eat or drink (besides water) within three hours of lying down, and I need to stay away from acidic foods and drinks (coffee, tea, and juice are big ones). And my binges--well, they're always in the evening and they always give me indigestion. So I've been sabotaging myself, basically. This is like so reminiscient of my bulimia--the one thing that got me to stop was the knowledge that it would ruin my voice. Not only do I need to stop the binges, but I need to cut down on citrus and chocolate and salad dressing and tea (e.g. not have them after lunchtime)--if not eliminate them altogether. And bye-bye midnight pizza. (Like I ever really did that!) So what I need to do right now is buy some anti-reflux medication (the Tagamet I have doesn't appear to be working), drink a lot of milk (basic!), and quit the bingeing! You know, this is almost a relief, because now I know I'll stop doing it. God willing.

And the reason I've been here writing about this now [in a practice room] is because I just had a rehearsal (the Figaro scene) where my professor was very concerned about my voice, since I was hoarse. This totally broke my heart. I respect this man's opinion greatly, plus he reminds me of my 11th grade history teacher (Mr. Cartisano!), who always reminded me of my dad, so it really affected me. And the fact that I've been looking forward to working on this all semester, but am totally screwing it up with my asinine, self-destructive eating habits...well, I was close to losing it, right there in the rehearsal. After somehow convincing my professor that I was fine and in no pain, and probably just wasn't supporting right, we continued with the rehearsal. So afterwards I came in here [the practice room], got a little teary, then decided I needed to take some responsibility.

So anyway, I'm going to change my diet--and my eating, more importantly--and go into my lesson Monday and see if it worked. If so, I totally rock, and things are good. If not, I need to go to an ENT to see if I've really damaged my vocal folds. I know that my body is really smart, you know? When I'm doing something stupid (whether it's oversinging or overeating or working out without stretching first), it lets me know that my behavior is unacceptable. I need to learn to listen to it more...I need to try to find some peace, so that my IBS doesn't act up and my crazy brain doesn't tell me that bingeing will make me feel better, further screwing up my digestive system. I need to start caring less about what's on TV and more about the clean laundry currently sitting in a basket, silently wrinkling and waiting to be put away. I need to start on my Christmas crafts! I need to change my toenail polish. And I really need to balance my checkbook...

Current music: Scorpions, "Rock You Like a Hurricane"