In a dusty cathedral
The living God called
And I prayed for my life
Here on Earth
---E. Saliers

A bit of evangelical poetry from the Indigo Girls...I hated them for years, you know. But they're cool. Amy's voice and Emily's songs...

I would rather not bore you with the details of the last three days' events, but I feel I must. As soon as I left the library Friday, I intercepted a message from Mark telling me that he wouldn't be able to make it down here this weekend because he was stuck doing this favor for a sister paper (maverick neurologist has license suspended by N.C. Medical Board--it'll probably be on 20/20 next week), which for some reason pissed me off beyond belief. Now, Mark's job doesn't interfere with our relationship nearly as much as it used to (when he would show up an hour late to meet me places, not get home until 9 or 10 some nights, etc.), but everytime it does, well, it still irritates me, even though I know it's a fact of life when you're in love with a reporter. I already know to keep dinner on the stove, you know? Anyway, I think I was more angry because I had been starting to make plans for the weekend already. Plus it's Superbowl weekend, and we usually get in some alone time if we don't have any interest in the game. But for whatever reason--partly because I'd had a really long week--I just kind of blew up. I tried to warm up before my rehearsal, and I couldn't even manage that, I was so distracted by my anger. Then I found out rehearsal was cancelled. That was the last straw. I was seeing red. Within a few minutes I had filled with enough misanthropy to make me storm out of the music building with the full intention of wallowing in a pint of B&J. Then--I guess I am learning some sort of coping techniques--I said, "Okay, I'll go home first, do some yoga and then go to the store." That became, "Maybe I should take a nap, too...And perhaps lunch first?" I was already halfway home when I breathed a sigh of relief--I turned my strong impulse to binge into plans to make myself a normal-sized, healthy lunch and do some exercise. Great! So I got home, prepared my lunch, and was eating when Mark called with further details. Not only is this hearing going on into the evening, but it will recommence at 8 A.M. on Saturday. Pissy again! The one day I get to spend with him all week, and he'll be gone all morning and part of the afternoon, and then he'll have to file the story!! I was right back where I started. He helped me talk things out--and the main reason I had been freaking out is because I've been putting so much pressure on myself. I look at my life, my schedule, and I just want to cover my eyes. There's NO way I can get everything done and still stay healthy! And when I get like that, I slack--like I did on Thursday (classes were cancelled because of a snowstorm). I went to work in the morning (albeit 30 minutes late), stayed an extra hour so I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed Friday, went to the grocery store, and proceeded to warm the armchair for seven hours or so, even when I knew I had to lead a discussion the next day (which got postponed to tomorrow, anyway) on an article I hadn't read yet. When I feel overpressured, I have this amazing "fuck you all" response. If y'all don't let me do this my way, on my terms, it won't get done, capisce? But that only lasts so long, you know...then the overachiever guilt kicks in, and I end up doing said rhetorical task anyway and feel even more rushed and pressured. I need to develop a new outlook on deadlines, and I need to find a way to manage my anger--which turns on like a switch these days, for whatever reason. But what is the deal with my retaliatory procrastination? That doesn't even make any sense, particularly when the only person hurt by it is me, not some theoretical Authority Figure against which I can rebel. You can't fight The Man when there is no Man!! Whoo, I can be totally insane sometimes...

And look what I'm doing now--procrastinating on this stupid annotation project I have due tomorrow. Anyway, yeah, so I went to Raleigh Friday night, and ended up spending Saturday morning getting Mark's car fixed (I am the Girlfriend of the Year, you know) and mailing the Christmas presents. (You know how I delayed giving them because I was waiting for things I had ordered? Well, my shipment finally came--two weeks after Christmas, when they were supposedly guaranteed to come before--and the items I had specifically ordered for Helen and Cathy turned up discontinued and unavailable or some other shit, and of course nobody bothered to contact me. Suffice it to say I'm never ordering from that company again. Oh, it was Yves Rocher. Don't order from them!!) Mark got out at about two o'clock, so I bought us lunch and did laundry and took a nap while he wrote. He woke me up around five-thirty and we had a lovely evening. And today I woke up late, barely got to church on time, bought some food, watched the last two-thirds of THE STEPMOM ((sob)), did my yoga and came here. So I've been fucking around for a while--time for me to get back to work... But I don't want you to worry too much about me--I'm better off than I was last semester (though my workload is pushing it). I'm still working on things...