Yuck. The Tuesday performance went fine, but by mid-afternoon my voice felt tired. No surprise Wednesday when I couldn't sing well. I got a good night's sleep last night, but it didn't help. I mean, I felt better physically, but my voice still isn't working. It was pretty scary this morning--I felt like I was trying to push a pig into a rabbit hole... I feel like I let everybody down. I got all the notes out, but I was very afraid that I wouldn't. And there had to have been some very unpretty moments. When my voice isn't working right, it seems like there's a huge part of me missing. It's like waking up and realizing your nose is gone. Except that my voice comes back--though you can never tell how long it'll take. All you can do is refrain from talking and singing, hydrate like crazy and rest. How frustrating is it to not TALK? It's pretty difficult, actually. The worst part, though, is waking up in the morning without knowing whether you'll have a voice that day or not. I have spring break next week, so I can take it easy vocally (except for the two songs I need to learn)--but Saturday I'm doing this aria competition (first prize:$1,000!!) and I really want to do well, especially since I have to drive two hours to get there, plus pay my accompanist to come out there. So after Saturday I can REALLY rest (besides church on Sunday), but until then I'm going to live in fear. I guess worst-case scenario is that I wake up Saturday, realize I won't be able to get through without embarrassing myself, and call my accompanist (and the friend I'm carpooling with) and say I won't be going. That's so disappointing, though. Especially because I think I have a serious chance of winning some actual money (even third place gets about $200). I'm starting to feel pretty secure in my technique--Lord knows I've been working hard enough the past six months--and I've even seen a remarkable difference in the consistency of my voice between the opera in November and this one (I've seen both performances on tape). But when something like this happens, I can't help but think that something I did made this happen. Like, did I cough wrong on Tuesday? Did I eat something that made my reflux act up? I had a bunch of neck and shoulder tension, and I got a massage on Monday night, but it didn't seem to help. I'm still not sleeping well at all--I wake up a lot, and it takes a long time to get back to sleep. Plus it takes forever for me to actually fall asleep. (When I'm with Mark, I spend a lot of time watching him sleep--he conks out right away. Maybe I tire him out...) I think I'll make an appointment with Student Health for tomorrow afternoon. That, and yoga (and possibly a drink) with Sandra tonight, and a hair appointment tomorrow, and seeing my boo will hopefully shake me out of this.

Because I'm also freaking a bit about my comps now. They're a week from next Tuesday. I scheduled them right after spring break so I could study at a relatively leisurely pace over the week. I got my second question today--registration and resonance, from my Vocal Ped teacher (the first is about the way dance is used in opera--a LONG question)--and the one from my voice teacher (art song-related, apparently) is apparently on its way. Everything should be fine--I mean, I know the questions already, and I have a whole week to do nothing but sleep, learn two songs and study like crazy--but I'm still freaking out a bit. I've been worried in the back of my head ever since I learned of the existence of the Comprehensive Exam in, like, October 2002. Now the time is fast approaching. I really am not sure what I'm so worried about. I'm good at taking tests, and I have plenty of time to prepare, and as I just said, I know the questions already... My preparation comes down to outlining and preparing an essay, studying that stuff, then typing the essay without any of my notes. And of course my graduation hinges upon "passing"--though what defines passing I'm not sure... I just don't like the concept, you know? Why not just write papers, if that's all it comes down to? Give me a thesis to write or something. Anyway, it's bothering me. Maybe that's what's bothering my voice. Maybe I do just need a Sun Salutation and a strong drink and a laugh or two and a big hug to shake me out of this. I certainly hope so...

But I have been doing well with food this week, actually, hooray me. You can all laugh at me, but I've been reading the Dr. Phil** book and it seems to make sense. (Of course, I've been spending time doing that instead of doing comps research, but what am I supposed to do? I have to prioritize my mental health and personal wellness over reading about nineteenth-century social constructs and how they relate to particular dances. At least to a point. Anyway, I've felt pretty in control over what's going in my body. I did have a Krispy Kreme this morning, but it was only because someone told me they were fresh. Well, they weren't, but whatever. The thing about this book that I like is that it's not about dieting--it's about changing the way you relate to the world around you, as well as how you relate to food. There is a food list, but I'm only getting to that now, 200 pages into the book. And it's about being sensible, not cutting out fruit or wheat bread in exchange for bacon and butter.

Anyway, I think I'll save you more of my sob story, and get in a few more pages of Dr. Phil before actually cracking a book for my comps. (yay)

Helen: I miss you!!! XOXO Please call when you get a chance. Like I said, I'm free all next week, so whenever you have ten minutes, I would love to hear from you. It's been a REALLY long time. :(

**Please do not consider this as an unreserved endorsement of Dr. Phil--I still think he's a little hard on people. Granted, a lot of them need a kick in the ass to get their lives in gear, but there are times when he could soft-pedal it just a little...