Still not enough time for a full post, but I thought I'd try the Friday Five:

1. What was your biggest accomplishment this year?
Applying to and auditioning for and attending grad school--it was a big step!

2. What was your biggest disappointment?
My myriad health problems, most of which are partly psychosomatic. That, and gaining back that weight I spent like $900 to lose.

3. Will you be making any New Year's resolutions?
To try to get back into the shape I was in in 1998--The Year of the Baby Tees... :) Oh, and also to grow as a performer, and to become a better cook. My mother got me The Perfect Pancake for Christmas, after all!

4. Where will you be at midnight? Do you wish you could be somewhere else?
Mark and I will be attending First Night Raleigh--concerts, ballroom dance lessons, henna tattoos, watching the big acorn drop, fireworks...all for $10 per person. Such a good deal--I don't mind not drinking, you know?

5. Aside from (possibly) staying up late, do you have any other New Year's traditions?
Well, the first two days of the year are invariably when I hit my emotional low...I'd rather not think of that as a tradition, though. And there was the one year Helen and I got stoned and watched infomercials...

So much to say, so little time. I'm at Mark's and it's one-thirty in the morning--I've been up since before seven--but I needed to write something. Buffalo trip good. Singing in class good--a bit scary, but not too bad. Got 4.0 for semester! How did I do it? Helen had baby! Welcome to our Stevie Nicks coven, Elinor Louise! :) More later. Must sleep...

I had my jury about forty minutes ago. It went pretty well. Though you know they had to pick the really fast song in F# major that needs a page-turner... But it went pretty well. I've really progressed over the course of the semester. With only a few days left of my semester (my French final tomorrow--yawn, a choir recording session on Thursday, and a little aria to do on Friday), I can safely say that my second first semester of grad school has been infinitely more rewarding and definitely less stressful than my first try. Yes, I will be returning in January.

And the fact that my jury wasn't until 5 P.M. afforded me luxuries to which I am not accustomed: I slept until nine, took a long bath, gave myself a pedicure, read the January Marie Claire (a.k.a. Cosmo with a conscience), and ran through all my translations several times. I got to campus at about two o'clock, checked my e-mail, then found a practice room, where I was able to listen to my last two lessons before I did any serious singing. And they were running about half-an-hour late. Anyway, the slow pace of things helped me not to get nervous until right before I had to sing. So now all I have to worry about is that test tomorrow--for a pass-fail class, where I've never gotten a grade lower than 95%--and the aria in Op Shop Friday. And the latter is somewhat stressful, but I think I'll make it.

Speaking of Op Shop--there was something important I didn't get to mention yesterday or last week. On Wednesday afternoon (during the storm) I met with Kala (the psychologist), where all this crazy shit came out. I had been talking in there about how my undergrad voice teacher has become this mean, creepy Superego taunting me inside my head about my singing, and I mentioned that the only time I really have performance anxiety is for my opera workshop. And it was pretty obvious why--because the professor reminds me of my father, and it makes me feel weird. But why? And he isn't the first teacher I've had this reaction to--Mr. Cartisano (my American History teacher) brought about a similar, if less potent reaction in me, for the same reason. Anyway, what it boils down to is that the reason this particular professor gets to me is because he asks us to be emotionally open (if only in a theatrical way)--and I am definitely not emotionally open with my father. And I've only been so a handful of times in my entire life. The main reason why is because he was never around when I was young--when he wasn't working, he was drinking, and though he wasn't abusive, he did neglect us. I basically grew up in a single-parent household. Yes, he was working sixty hours a week, but I needed more from him than money. And when my mother was in the hospital, he had his own shit going on--and I was basically running things and looking after my brothers. Nobody ever told me to do it--I just did. I was the "Caretaker Child", or whatever that shit is. At that time in my life--13, puberty, no friends, etc.--I needed a parent maybe more than at any other time since infancy. And honestly, I didn't have one. My parents were all wrapped up in their own problems--which were huge, to be sure--and weren't able to give me what I needed. And by the time I was in high school and things had settled down, I was "over" that mess. As far as I was concerned, I didn't need my parents for emotional support. I remember a specific evening in tenth grade when my father came into my bedroom and asked me if I was okay. I was doing Spanish homework, I think. Anyway, I told him I was fine. But what I was really thinking was, "No, I'm not okay. I'm pretty fucking far from okay. But you know what? It's none of your fucking business. You lost your chance to be a sitcom dad a long time ago, capisce?" So when he did want to be involved, it was too little, too late. And now I'm nearly 26 years old, I'm an adult, in a few years I'll be starting my own family...and this is still bothering me, manifesting itself in some crazy-ass ways. And my father is a wonderful person, don't get me wrong. We have similar personalities, we do things together, and we have a pretty good relationship...except that it's all on the surface. My mother is the one who knows the secrets--she's the one who really knows me. Oh, I'm sure this is a common problem--even in stable families--but apparently I'm still screwed up about it. So now my task is to try to build this relationship, one step at a time. It won't always be easy, but I think we're both open to it--I know that he cares about me, it's just that we've never talked about it. I just don't want to cry, you know? Because that would suck. I don't want it to hurt, because it's been hurting all this time already. But I guess that's too much to ask. So isn't it so crazy that over a decade later, this shit should come up now? That I should be driven to hysterical tears over something that I thought was already "dealt with" in therapy a long time ago? I guess that's just the way things are...

Anyway, sorry to drop that bomb and then leave, but all I've eaten today is raisin bran and a peanut butter sandwich...I'll write more tomorrow, I hope...

Current music: "Tu che di gel sei cinta"--Puccini (Turandot)...which was my first jury piece.

Well, as you may know, we had a bad snow/ice storm here last Wednesday. I was without power (including heat!) for about 40 hours, but luckily it came back on early Saturday at 3:30 AM. It seems that everybody has their horror stories about getting stuck in the ice or spinning out. The main problem was the ice. It took down so many trees. There are still closed roads, and over a million people were without power in North Carolina alone. Mark is still without power. And the other ice-related problem is that these people are just not equipped to handle it--very little sanding/salting has occured on all but the major roads. My car slid about 45 degrees this morning trying to pull out of my complex. That pisses me off! It's on an incline, and isn't particularly safe even when it isn't iced over. Anyway, I could go on for pages about how I spent Thursday (but I won't because it'll just irritate me). So things are pretty much back to normal here. And I was able to return my rental--albeit during the storm.

On another note, this morning I went to the health center and finally was prescribed Prevacid for my acid reflux. Unfortunately it cost over $100 a month--for two months--and I don't have health insurance. And this is the cheapest one out there. But I really need to heal, so it's definitely worth it. I just wish I had the money to afford this...

Today is the last day of classes (I'm actually skipping my last French class right now), and tomorrow at 5 PM is my jury time. I have my French final Wednesday at noon, my choir is recording something Thursday, and I have to sing for my opera workshop on Friday afternoon. After that--I'm outty! I'm driving directly to Mark's, complete with all my dirty laundry, and we leave for Buffalo on Monday morning. (Erik: I will call you within the next few days with the details.) I'm getting excited now. But I still have that jury to contend with...

Helen: Where's that damn baby, already?! :) I had my phone on Vibrate and everything! Best of luck!

I have a badass rental car! It's a 2003 Toyota Corolla S. At first it felt weird driving it--it's a lot higher than 'Rolla--but now I love it! Though I also feel a bit like I'm cheating on 'Rolla. We have a special relationship. We've been through a lot together! Like the time when I crashed her into a stone wall on Franklin Street in Chapel Hill; and the time when I drove her home, totally stoned 12 hours after my last puff; and Mark and I had our first kiss two feet from her right rear fender. And when I got laid off from the Ford dealership, I cried on her steering wheel all the way home. The innumerable grains of sand from Fort Fisher and Wrightsville Beach I've tracked into her floormats! The countless meals I've eaten behind the wheel! Ah, so many good times and bad times--though only one sex act (guess which one). ...My Lord, why am I eulogizing my car? It's bad enough that she has a name. And I'm getting her back tomorrow! ((sigh)) I have issues...

In other news: I just went for an eye exam--it had been 2 1/2 years, and I only have 4 pairs of contacts left. Well, I just paid $115 to hear that my eyes are perfectly fine, and that my prescription has not changed. What the hell's the point of getting an eye exam if they're not gonna up your prescription?? Maybe my eyes are finally stabilizing--but what does it matter? I'll still have to have exams every few years...I'm just a little irritated, because I really don't have the money right now--especially with the holidays here.

Anyway...what else? Well, I greatly enjoyed talking to Helen last night--is the tree still standing? :) And I did have a good Thanksgiving--Mark and I visited a friend of his in Chapel Hill that Wednesday, and they had a beautiful 19-month-old daughter that I got to play with. On Thursday we drove to Wilmington, and had a noticeably pleasant time with my parents. Friday I wasn't feeling well--I really ought to cut sweet potatoes out of my diet entirely, but I love them so much!--and Saturday we went to the Crabtree mall (it wasn't as crowded as I thought it would be, partly because there are two brand-new malls within five miles of it) and then went to see Solaris. We watched the 1972 Tarkofsky version on TMC the night before, and I liked them both--the new one's a bit too Hollywood, and the old one's an hour too long, but they are otherwise entertaining and thought-provoking films. Sunday I came back to _______ and did some very successful practicing/score study. Yesterday was hectic, but I did manage to pick up the rental, have a good lesson, sing well in rep class (for once!!), and all but complete my holiday shopping. I can't wait until [baby's name] is born! :) And today I managed to schedule my jury (which was a problem) and get that eye exam. And tonight I'm having dinner with Elena and Jeff. A full day... Which is good, really. Though I did promise myself I would work out tonight. First thing when I get home!!

I had this totally shitty lesson today. I mean, yes, it's that time of the month and everything, but I could just not think straight. I would tell my body to do something, and it would do the complete opposite. Anyway, I'm kind of glum for that reason (and the hormones are not helping), so I'm going to lay low tonight and just listen to music and get some cleaning done. Memorizing and taking notes on my lesson (argh) can wait until Wednesday (or Friday!) I think I need some time to enjoy live and do things that I'm good at without thought--like crochet. Why do I have such violent mood swings? I've been like this since puberty. I thought it would go away once I became an adult. Yeah, they say acne's supposed to go away, too. :\

Well, I have to go to my rep class (joint rep in the recital hall--I'll bring my crochet bag). I may not write again for a few days--if not, I hope everybody has a great Thanksgiving! Eat lots of turkey and be thankful you don't have acid reflux. (Unless you do--in which case, easy on the Stove Top!)

Current music: "She Loves You"--The Beatles

p.s. Erik--plane tickets have been reserved! I will e-mail you the particulars...

Every weekend I go to Raleigh, I feel totally cheated. Since I have to be back in Greensboro by 8:30am on Sunday, I never get to see Mark for more than 36 hours--roughly 16 hours of which is spent sleeping. And it's so hard to leave him at 7 in the morning; he looks like a little baby when he's sleeping, and all I want to do is kiss him. Anyway, it sucks. But I sure like the money from the church job, so I guess I can't complain too much. It's hard, though.

Friday night Mark and I went to the chili place, and Saturday we went to the county library book sale (we did good--I bought some really old music books, a few gifts, and even a hardcover copyof The Satanic Verses, which I have been wanting to read) and got Thai takeout (yum). This afternoon I met with the parents of the kid who hit my car (they were indeed very nice), and I got a haircut. It was done entirely with a razor. I feel all perky! :) Tonight I was supposed to study for a French quiz with Elena, but she isn't around, so I guess I'll just practice and then go home and study by myself.

I cannot wait for Tuesday afternoon to be here.

Current music: "Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard" (the Crosbys' version, I think)

Well, I have a sinus infection. I'm feeling much better, though, now that I'm on amoxicillin. Where would I be without antibiotics? (I wouldn't have survived those Binghamton winters without them...) Otherwise things are pretty good. This week was pretty low-key because my opera workshop didn't meet, so I was able to tend to my health needs, as well as those of 'Rolla. I had two more estimates done on Monday--the first one was for almost $2400, which totally freaked me out, and the second was about $50 cheaper than the Toyota dealership's, which I had done last Thursday. I'm going to go with the Toyota dealership--the body shop manager really seemed to know what he was talking about, and I'd rather have "official authorized Toyota bodywork" if I'm so unfortunate as to need bodywork in the first place. I talked to the kid's mother again today, and we'll be meeting Sunday afternoon so I can give them a copy of the estimate and we can discuss logistics.

I like my job--I always leave there feeling as if I've really accomplished something. Today alone I sent out over 20 faxes, did a mail merge, reformatted a spreadsheet, mailed out a bunch of letters, prepared some subcontracts for authorization, and made lots of labels. Okay, well, maybe it doesn't sound like too much, but it did keep me busy for 3 1/2 hours. I guess I just feel like I'm contributing to something. Plus it's part-time, so when I leave there I can leave all the baggage behind. It's so relaxing to be able to not stress about a job.

I've spent some time the past few days just driving around outside of town. Tuesday I actually drove off the map (well, for a mile, anyway) and got to see lots of cows and horses, along with some huge rich-people houses. I miss cows and horses, you know? It reminds me of taking the bus down Rte. 302...

News! Mark and I were considering going to Charleston next week, but the hotel coupon I had turned out to be not that hot, so I don't know where we're going (if we're going anywhere). But we are going to Buffalo the week of December 16th! I'm not sure just what days yet, but it will be for three or four days mid-week. I will get to see you, Erik! And I'll be within 200 miles of Helen in time for her due date! (I guess that's closer psychically, right?) I will give you more details as they become known.

In other news: Aaron picked Helene! I could tell they had something special even a month ago. And yes, I know it's ridiculous to accept an engagement from someone you've only known for six weeks, but I still think they make a good couple. Let me be a little dorky!


Current music:"Dreams"--Fleetwood Mac

I don't have a lot of time, but I wanted to let you all know that everything is pretty good. I've had a bitch of a cold (apparently some mini-flu Mark brought up from Wilmington), but it was nothing that Allegra and lots of Nyquil couldn't drive out of my system. So now I am almost back to normal (though I'll be coughing for a few more days), and am ready for some well-deserved R&R. All I really have looming over my head for the rest of the semester are three performances (two in-class solos and one choral concert--all of which are in like three weeks), my French final (cake) and my jury (which I'm not even thinking about yet). So I've decided it's time to get my apartment cleaned up (it is a total mess) and start working on those Christmas presents! Yes, the time has come. This afternoon I saw Amahl and the Night Visitors, which has totally got me in the mood to ho-ho-ho. (Not that I ever needed a reason before...) Helen, you must tell me what Liam/Nellie needs. (An all-fish buffet, perhaps??) Anyway, I must go, but don't y'all worry too much about me. The weather outside is frightful, but I am oh-so-delightful.

Oh my God, did I overdose on Nyquil?! :)

p.s. Had an estimate done on my car--including three days car rental, it'll be just about $1200. I have to get another estimate done, but that seems reasonable considering what they'll have to do. The kid's family has been very cool about everything--I think they're just glad I'm not crying Whiplash.

Current music: "Let it Snow" (well, it's about 40 degrees and raining hard...can't I just imagine?)

It's been a busy few days! I feel like I've been in a whirlwind. First off, right after I wrote my last entry I went with Vanessa, one of the 2nd-year grad students, over to the Super Wal-mart across town. We hadn't spent too much time together previously, but she's really cool and nice, so I'm glad we had the chance to get to know each other better. I bought way too much junk, but managed to keep my eating relatively reasonable. Then I played with my hair for like an hour (which isn't as fun as it sounds, actually),trying to decide how I should wear it for the Wednesday performance. Wednesday morning I had a French exam and then went to the School of Music to get ready. I had a dress rehearsal (two run-throughs) at one and the performance at four. Mark actually was able to come (though it'd be too confusing to explain why), which I was really excited about. I think it all went really well--and it was a lot of fun! Mark and I went out to dinner afterwards, and then I went to church choir rehearsal. On my way home I got rear-ended by this young kid (someone ahead of me was making a left turn, I think, and the kid just wasn't paying attention). Don't worry! I'm okay. His car sustained some serious damage, but mine is basically all right--my bumper is scratched, and the trunk isn't closing completely. The guy's parents don't want to get the insurance companies involved, so I'm going this afternoon to have an estimate done (which I assume they're going to pay). It's all just kind of annoying. I was pretty shaken up last night, but now I'm just tired and want to have the whole business done with already...

Current music: this crazy coloratura aria that one of my friends sang in class today...

Y'all are lucky I'm even here right now. Choir was cancelled today (we had concerts Friday and Sunday, and a long rehearsal Saturday), so I worked an extra half hour. I was actually able to go home for lunch! So I got here about 15 minutes ago, just in time for my 2pm class, and what do you know? It was cancelled, too! I would never even have come to campus today if I'd known that. Why he didn't tell us yesterday, I have no idea. Anyway. So yeah, I had two concerts this weekend. And my voice was not up to par, but I got through it. Mark got stuck in traffic Friday night, so he missed my solo. :( I was okay with it, though, provided he would still be able to make it to my workshop performance tomorrow. Guess what? Because the governor vetoed some bill, the State Assembly got called back into session for like two hours, tomorrow afternoon. Those fuckers have been off for a month already, and the only time they're meeting between now and January is tomorrow afternoon. I was pretty damn upset. It's not Mark's fault or anything, but it still made me angry. At least I can say it took a special session of Congress to pull Mark away from my performance. :)

So anyway, yeah, my reflux is a problem. Finding out about my call being moved Friday night was enough to start the process. I'm really not that short-fused, you know? So the counselor I've been meeting with helped me with some relaxation techniques yesterday. I will freely admit that I cannot deal with stressful situations...hopefully this will help me. In the meantime, I'll take my Pepcid and my Prevacid, with occasional help from Mr. Tums, and we'll get through this ordeal.

In happier news, Mark and I are probably going to Charleston for a few days over Thanksgiving. I'm so excited! It's so beautiful there. And I know we're theoretically supposed to be boycotting South Carolina tourist spots, but it's not like I'm going to South of the Border or some Confederate war memorial. (Though you can see Fort Sumter from the mainland...) And I don't plan on spending too much money, either. And I think we are going to try to go to Buffalo sometime in December. It's time I met his twin brother, don't you think? I'm also totally working on a trip to DC (the train fares are totally reasonable). Unfortunately all this traveling means I won't get to downstate NY or Buffalo this Christmas. :( No, I won't get to see the baby born or anything, but I do expect to see the unedited pictorial gallery online, just like with Margaret. :) And the presents will be in the mail. Maybe I can get up there in March, during my Spring Break. That's my plan, anyway.

Current music: "Don't Worry Baby"--The Beach Boys

The Friday Five

1. Did you vote in your last elections? ~Yes, but not too many people I voted for actually won...

2. Do you know who your elected representatives are? ~Some of them, but I knew a lot more about them when I lived in Wilmington. It sure helped that Mark knew everybody. I mean, I used to sing with a county commissioner, and we ran into county commissioners in the Cracker Barrel, a state senator at Party City (and JC Penney), and (my favorite) last November we ran into the mayor-elect in Office Depot, where he was purchasing Robert's Rules of Order. You can't make this stuff up.

3. Have you ever contacted an elected representative? If so, what was it about? ~Not personally, but I have done a bunch of those
"e-mail your representatives this form letter to end domestic violence"-type things. I don't know how effective they are, but I have gotten responses back. And when I was in high school I wrote to President Clinton about pornography or something--and I did get one of those form letters back.

4. Have you ever participated in a demonstration? ~I've done a few Take Back the Night marches, but nothing to really write about.

5. Have you ever volunteered in an election? What was the result? ~I haven't...That would mean having twelve hours free on a Tuesday in November, which just doesn't happen for me...

Yesterday was kind of a crappy day--I found out that my dress rehearsal tonight starts at 5:45, not 6:30 like we had originally thought. Luckily they let me out of work early today, so I get to write to all of you. I have to go now, though--I'm not sounding so hot right now, and need some intense warm-ups...

Current music: "Complicated"--Avril Lavigne (curses! I knew I shouldn't be listening to the modern soft rock station...)

I just had the best rehearsal today. I get be sung/yelled at two inches from my face by a baritone with a very large voice. And I get to faint, and my hand gets kissed as my (ersatz) philandering husband begs my forgiveness for accusing me of being unfaithful. So fun! Our staging rehearsal was awesome...It's so cool. I wish you all could see it. It makes me feel like a successful person to be able to do this. Mark is actually coming up next Wednesday afternoon for the performance. I'm mostly excited, not nervous yet.

So the elections were kind of shitty, huh? Elizabeth Dole won. Oh, who cares about senators, anyway? I just don't want our (ersatz) President to get the fast-track now that he's got both Houses. Maybe he'll choke on another pretzel...

Have to go to rehearsal.....

Current music: "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic"--The Police

A stream-of-consciousness entry...

Today is Election Day! That means Mark works a 16-hour day. If I call him at 11pm he'll still be waiting for the results to come back in Wilmington. It's pouring outside. I had to come back to campus to go to somebody's senior recital. She's doing Sondheim. {snore} My rehearsal went well yesterday, but I get nervous about staging. I have almost no experience with it. And I get to faint onstage, and have somebody smother my hand with kisses, and all sorts of important dramatic situations. Meanwhile I'm still trying not to confuse upstage and downstage. I mean, yeah, I remember the Globe Theater and all that, but it's harder to apply when you're actually doing it. Plus I kept forgetting my text--granted, there's a lot of it, but I really need to get that stuff down! Tomorrow's the hard scene (dramatically), actually: the Count and I argue about who I have hidden in my closet, he accuses me of being unfaithful to him and says I'm dead to him or something, etc. It's all very fun stuff, but I'm just nervous about (what else?) looking stupid. But my professor wouldn't want me to look stupid. I guess it's better to get that all out of the way in rehearsal, then. I need to practice...I haven't practiced in a week, since last Wednesday was when I had that bad reflux stuff. My teacher pretty much confirmed my self-diagnosis on Monday, and said that while she could definitely hear a bit of extra noise (which means my cords are swollen), it wasn't all that bad. And I knew for myself that it was much better than last week. Plus, when my technique is good you don't notice a problem. Basically my attacks are all screwed up, though. (But they were never very good...) In my meeting at the counseling center Monday, we basically confirmed that I hate hate HATE to be living alone--that's why I'm binging and stuff. And we decided that I need to have things planned to do when I'm home that are inconsistent with eating--like pedicures and crochet. (Guess what you all are getting for Christmas! "Again?!") And next year I definitely need to arrange to live with somebody. Well, I'm going to go socialize (a good thing for me!) and memorize some da Ponte...

Current music: "Here Comes the Rain Again"--The Eurhythmics (is that the name of that song?)

The cast lists for the spring operas were posted Friday evening. I will be in the ensemble for Nicolai's The Merry Wives of Windsor. It was what I was expecting--as I've mentioned, I wasn't expecting a lead role in anything, and really want to work on technical stuff before I have some big part and ruin my voice. So I was generally just "happy to be nominated". Genuinely. I mean, if I did score some big part, I would have been happy--but extremely surprised. But there are people who are not so easygoing as myself about it. There are three people in particular--one of which has threatened to transfer, apparently--who believe they have been done a great disservice. I've been trying really hard not to get involved in the Politics (with a capital P) that inevitably go on in every college department and every office in the country--but it's difficult to escape its effects. Everybody has an opinion, and I'm just trying to stay out of it. I know I'll have a good time in the ensemble--I may even get to be anthropomorphic, which has always been my dream--and there will probably be chances for solos or something. Either way. I will admit, though, that part of the reason I'm cool about this is that I'm biding my time. Just wait 'till next year! I will blow you all away!! I will kick vocal ass, and you will have no choice but to select an opera on my whims. :)

In other news: This weekend Mark and I saw The Comedian, that documentary that follows around Jerry Seinfeld. I thought it was really interesting--it gives insight into what makes a stand-up comedian tick. I was able to make comparisons between comedians and singers. And it was funny, of course. I still haven't seen The Ring, but maybe next weekend. Oh, and this afternoon at 3pm I am going over to the counseling center for my second meeting. I hope we'll be able to make some determination of what combination of therapy/meds/frontal lobotomy I really need. All I know is, something isn't right. I don't feel normal. There's nothing normal about consuming mass quantities of candy when you are not hungry. I just let it out on the phone with Mark on Thursday night (after my little crying jag in Op Shop)--and while that helped short-term, it doesn't make this go away.

Oh--and speaking of the crying, people keep coming up to me and asking if I'm doing okay. Yes, damn it! (As far as they're concerned, anyway.) I don't think I look like there's anything wrong on a regular basis (i.e. when I'm not losing it in the middle of an aria). Maybe they're just being nice. I bet I would probably do the same thing, were it someone else. But it's still weird. Maybe because what I really want to say is, "No, I am not okay, but what the hell can you do about it?" I guess I have a lot to talk about this afternoon...

Current music: "I Heard it Through the Grapevine" (the Aretha Franklin version)

I don't have much time, but...

The Friday Five

1. Were you raised in a particular religious faith?
~I was sort of raised Roman Catholic, but we didn't go to church very often. I ended up being Confirmed my junior year of college (and I was hung over at the time...ah, Crosby parties...).

2. Do you still practice that faith? Why or why not?
~Yes. Catholicism is almost a cultural thing for me, as much as a spiritual thing. There are some minutiae which I don't necessarily agree with, but they are things that the heteropatriarchal Church leaders imposed on Catholicism, not edicts from God's mouth. Like obviously I have no problem with homosexuality, and I don't think God does, either.

3. What do you think happens after death?
~I think there's another plane of existence of which we are unaware. We call it Heaven, I guess. I don't think it's as concrete as it's usually depicted...there are ways of experiencing that living beings have no way of understanding...

4. What is your favorite religious ritual (participating in or just observing)?
~Weddings are always fun. And a good old High Mass (with the chanting and stuff) is really grounding and spiritually satisfying for me.

5. Do you believe people are basically good?
~Yes. I definitely believe in evil, but I don't know where it comes from. I don't really think that Satan exists--not the way we usually conceive of it--but maybe we just need some darkness in the world for there to be light.

I don't know how I feel right now...

My professor made me cry in class today. But it wasn't his fault! I was working on my aria again, and he made a Method-style suggestion to me--he asked me to think of a time when I was in complete agony. And he whispered it. And it was already too late--I was already well on my way to weeping. I tried to calm myself down before I started singing again, but it didn't work. So I figured I might as well start. Well, that just made it worse. I continued after the "agony" phrases, but I couldn't shake it, and my larynx started going up anyway, so I just stopped singing, apologizing and intending to continue in a minute. But I was a wreck! And I didn't even have a chance to think of being in agony--I just started to choke up. It was kind of embarrassing. My professor apologized, but I told him that it was okay, that it wasn't his fault, that I would go back up in a second. But it was apparent that I would not be able to continue. I didn't really cry in the room, but I ended up having to step out of class for a few minutes to let some of it out and calm down. I guess it was residual from yesterday (and last night on the phone with Mark--I don't know why I have such a problem with people telling me I'm wonderful). But I don't want people to think I'm crazy! I don't want to be like that girl Christy on The Bachelor, famous for weeping on national television two weeks in a row and telling Aaron, "I just want you to know that I'm not a basketcase!" through her sobs... (Ah, the irony!) Well, I guess some people would think it's great that I can cry on a whim. But I couldn't control it... I just feel a little exposed, you know? And nobody looks pretty when they cry--red nose, red eyes, eyeshadow coming off, yuck. I'm still at a loss as to why I couldn't control my emotions. I know it has something to do with my professor...there's something very open and earnest about him, I think--like he's the kind of person that can read people's inner thoughts, or whatever...It scares me a little, I'll admit. Not that I'm scared of him--but perhaps of what he'd see if he read my mind...

Oh God, I don't even know what I'm talking about... "Mein armer Kopf ist mir verrueckt..." I'm just a mess right now. And I'm not even due for a hormonal week...and I'm certainly not PG or anything... Maybe I just need to relax this weekend and look at the autumn leaves or something. I'm wound up too tight these days...

Current music: that Enigma song with the chanting monks and the French stuff...

Y'all are loving me today, huh? Here's another long post: a questionnaire, courtesy of Erik:

1. What's the first thing you remember wanting to be when you grew up? ~An archaeologist, particularly if that meant hanging out with Indiana Jones...

2. Describe a dream you remember. ~Once when I was about four I had a dream where both my mother and God (well, an Italian-looking Jesus, but I always remembered it as being God--I guess I was always a Trinitarian) got flushed down the toilet. This was very traumatic for me. Since adolescence, though, most of my dreams involve being on the run--usually with either nuclear fallout or fascists/Thought Police hot on my heels. Sometimes I'm alone, trying to find a friend who's also running, and sometimes I'm with my family. I've been on a bus a few times, too. Once I was in the back of a bus with Aaron Bowers and we were reading Jim Morrison poetry. (I think it was tenth grade...)

3. What book are you reading? ~None at the moment. I've been meaning to pick up the Harry Potter books, though, and also Black House. You know I love that Dark Tower stuff!!!

4. What colour are your sheets? ~"Dark Sand", I think, with a maroon duvet cover.

5. What song is in your head right now? ~"Galileo" by the Indigo Girls...

6. Waitaminnit... Where are you? ~the Music Library, computer carrel #5.

7. I am afraid of... ~Most Libertarians, Hitler, clowns, Charles Manson, people talking about me behind my back, enclosed spaces, bugs crawling on me, especially when I'm sleeping.

8. Your dream job: ~Professional opera singer--not necessarily famous, but able to do whatever I want. I'd like to have some voice students, and be able to spend lots of time with my family.

9. What movie have you seen the most times? ~The Breakfast Club.

10. One question for Jesus, Buddha, Lord Krishna or Muhammad, etc: ~What's the funniest joke you've ever heard?

11. The guilty pleasure you'd really rather not admit to here: ~naming my future children: Josephine (Josie) or Elizabeth (Betty) Marie Schreiner and/or Benjamin Andrew Schreiner. Or at least that's what I like right now.

12. Comfort food of choice: ~See previous entry. Nah, it's ice cream. Or Doritos.

13. What's the last video you rented? ~Legally Blonde, alone, because Mark didn't want to see it.

14. Who do people say you look like? ~Winona Ryder (once in an airport a woman swore I was her...), my grandmother and aunt, various people they know in other parts of the country (apparently I have lots of Doppelgaengers)

15. What's the bane of your existence? ~Bad drivers.

16. What's the last thing you found on the ground and picked up? ~A mechanical pencil. Finders keepers!

17. A writer worth reading: ~Angela Carter.

18. Where would you like to grow old? ~Someplace with four seasons (with emphasis on spring and autumn) where I can see my family and friends at regular intervals.

19. A word of wisdom: ~Your body knows what's good for it. (see below)

20. The question you get asked ALL THE TIME!!!: ~"So when are you two getting married?" (or maybe it just seems like it)

21. When was your last hospital visit? ~When I was three I needed stitches in my hand because I cut it on a piece of glass in a parking lot. At least I think that's what happened--I was too young to remember.

22. The last thing you said out loud: ~"Thank you." (I sneezed.)

23. Current clothing: ~Light blue hooded sweatshirt, pink/purple tie-dyed T-shirt, dark-rinse bootcut jeans, white socks, tan/navy men's sneakers (size 6).

24. Your favourite season? ~Spring, with autumn as a close second.

25. In my last lifetime I was probably: ~A flapper?

I wrote this at about 2pm today:

I need to get this binge thing under control. It's starting to affect my singing. Last night I had a sort of mild binge--it could even be considered a junk food dinner--of 1/2 a bag of Doritos, 1/3 of a pint of ice cream (Super Fudge Chunk!), and 2 candy bars. And this morning I woke up hoarse again. I went to the health clinic, and the doctor said that there was basically nothing wrong with me--just a viral infection, maybe. She prescribed Allegra, which should get me through the worst of the sinus stuff. But my sinuses haven't been too bad--I've had a postnasal drip, I guess, but the main problem has been hoarseness in the morning and the evening. And since my voice teacher hasn't said anything to me about nodes--I was fine on Monday for my lesson--the problem is probably acid reflux. It does tend to appear with irritable bowel syndrome, so it's not surprising anyway, but diet can have a huge effect. Basically I shouldn't eat or drink (besides water) within three hours of lying down, and I need to stay away from acidic foods and drinks (coffee, tea, and juice are big ones). And my binges--well, they're always in the evening and they always give me indigestion. So I've been sabotaging myself, basically. This is like so reminiscient of my bulimia--the one thing that got me to stop was the knowledge that it would ruin my voice. Not only do I need to stop the binges, but I need to cut down on citrus and chocolate and salad dressing and tea (e.g. not have them after lunchtime)--if not eliminate them altogether. And bye-bye midnight pizza. (Like I ever really did that!) So what I need to do right now is buy some anti-reflux medication (the Tagamet I have doesn't appear to be working), drink a lot of milk (basic!), and quit the bingeing! You know, this is almost a relief, because now I know I'll stop doing it. God willing.

And the reason I've been here writing about this now [in a practice room] is because I just had a rehearsal (the Figaro scene) where my professor was very concerned about my voice, since I was hoarse. This totally broke my heart. I respect this man's opinion greatly, plus he reminds me of my 11th grade history teacher (Mr. Cartisano!), who always reminded me of my dad, so it really affected me. And the fact that I've been looking forward to working on this all semester, but am totally screwing it up with my asinine, self-destructive eating habits...well, I was close to losing it, right there in the rehearsal. After somehow convincing my professor that I was fine and in no pain, and probably just wasn't supporting right, we continued with the rehearsal. So afterwards I came in here [the practice room], got a little teary, then decided I needed to take some responsibility.

So anyway, I'm going to change my diet--and my eating, more importantly--and go into my lesson Monday and see if it worked. If so, I totally rock, and things are good. If not, I need to go to an ENT to see if I've really damaged my vocal folds. I know that my body is really smart, you know? When I'm doing something stupid (whether it's oversinging or overeating or working out without stretching first), it lets me know that my behavior is unacceptable. I need to learn to listen to it more...I need to try to find some peace, so that my IBS doesn't act up and my crazy brain doesn't tell me that bingeing will make me feel better, further screwing up my digestive system. I need to start caring less about what's on TV and more about the clean laundry currently sitting in a basket, silently wrinkling and waiting to be put away. I need to start on my Christmas crafts! I need to change my toenail polish. And I really need to balance my checkbook...

Current music: Scorpions, "Rock You Like a Hurricane"

Thanks for reminding me about Princess Leia, Erik! In 1996 some of us Gappers (me, Erik, Cheryl, Alyse, Christine...did I forget anybody?) went to this Halloween party at the Rat in downtown Binghamton. (Was it a Hillside event? I don't remember.) That was the first time I ever got drunk without a family member present! (February '94, with my aunt, Greenwich Village.) I dressed as Princess Leia a la Star Wars (Episode IV: A New Hope, for you newbie jerks)--I had the whole cinnamon-bun hairstyle, and I wore a white turtleneck and a white sheet as a skirt. Over the course of the night, two or three (drunk) guys asked me where my gold bikini was. (Return of the Jedi, duh!). Instead of taking that as a come-on, I just assumed that they were dorks. Which they probably were, but in any case, I had a good time. The floor was really sticky, I remember.

And speaking of Halloween '96...that was when I went to Rocky Horror with Christine and Shannon to see Jord and Dave. Wow, that was a long time ago... Shannon and I went in customary bra/half-slip attire, while Christine favored her "demented Harlequin" ensemble. Dave tried to put his Frank N. Furter boa down the front of Shannon's and my bras. But the highlight of the evening--in retrospect--was the Minucci appearance. Christine was looking around the theater during the pre-film proceedings and said, "Oh, there's my friend Dan--he's dressed as a cowboy." I turned around and said, "Ooh, a cowboy..." And thus my obsession began. Wow. I am laughing so hard inside my head right now.

Anyway, back to the present... Today I sang in a mock audition in my opera workshop. We didn't get to finish, so I get to sing again on Thursday. I guess that's a good thing... Tomorrow afternoon I'm going to the student health center so they can take a look at my throat. I can sing okay, but it still hurts a bit when I stick out my tongue, and I get vocally tired easily. I just want to make sure I don't have some sort of bacterial infection--I mean, strep can even go to your brain and you can die! I guess I'm just trying to play it safe. This is my career I'm talking about!

Okay, have to pee...

Current music: "I Want Your Sex"--George Michael
(Okay, there's a reason for that...One of the other arias we heard in class today featured the line, "I love your sex" in Italian. Of course that meant "gender" (women, specifically), and referred to love in the emotional sense, but the whole class cracked up. That was funny. I guess we singers are just big ol' nerds...)