Today is a mixed bag. First off, what do you think of the results of this quiz?


Where do you fall on the liberal - conservative political spectrum? (United States)
brought to you by Quizilla

See, that all makes me sound like a "left-wing wingnut" (Cathy!), and I really don't think I am. Apparently my opinions on the Ten Commandments and abortion were not taken much into account. It must have been the stuff about homosexuality and immigrants and the bright future of blissful equality I anticipate that set it over the edge. But I think I'm pretty tolerant of people like my parents. At least on the surface, you know? I respect people's opinions, unless they're trying to judge me or people that I love. After that, all bets are off.

Anyway, here's part deux, courtesy of The Friday Five:

1. What was the last TV show you watched?
Will and Grace last night. Madonna guest-starred as Karen's bimbo roommate, and Will became (briefly) addicted to pain pills (which made him a much better person, actually!).

2. What was the last thing you complained about?
The politics in opera casting at my school. Though in this case they may work out in my favor. I don't know if I feel comfortable saying any more, but let's just say that the Director of Opera (a.k.a. the guy who reminded me of my father--I'm a little better about that now, actually) has a tendency to pre-cast certain people, before auditions. And I like him as a teacher and a performer, but that is just really shitty. Wait, no, it's not necessarily shitty to think it--but it certainly is to actually tell people about it.

3. Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say?
I told Jeff he'd done a good job in opera class today--he led discussion on Philip Glass's Einstein on the Beach. Not what I would listen to/watch by choice, but still interesting. (Incidentally, he's the same person I was complaining with in No. 3.)

4. What was the last thing you threw away?
A Wendy's cup that once held unsweet tea and water.

5. What was the last website (besides this one) that you visited?
Before I visited the Friday Five site, I was at this one, trying to make plans for the weekend. We're not going to go until the summer, though; it's not fair for Mark to have to drive home at 11:00 at night just because I want to go on a roller coaster...

Okay, on to part three: The actual blog business.

I haven't made a regular post in quite a while, so I wanted to do that today, when I don't have anything huge hanging over my head (yet) and have to stay on campus (two recitals tonight!). So what's up with me? Well, I'm still not getting quite enough sleep--largely because I've been meeting Vanessa at the gym three mornings a week at 6 a.m. Ugh! It is SO hard to get up at 5:30 in the morning. I usually don't get home until eight, you know? And by the time I'm ready to settle in, it's usually 10:30, and then I call Mark, and you can see why I'm so tired! In the end it's worth it, I guess. I've lost a few inches--though not any weight, despite the exercise and the abstinence thing.

Oh, yeah, I've been going to meetings for three weeks (one a week, since the other evening one pre-empts Friends...I could tape it, but I want to see Joey and Rachel kiss with the rest of America! ...Dude, is this the same person that just took that political quiz?). Things have been going pretty well--I won't say there haven't been slips, but the days of stopping on my way home to buy Doritos and ice cream and cookies and snack crackers and frozen vegetables (the latter added in to throw those snoopy Harris Teeter cashiers off my trail), though not necessarily a thing of the past, seem to be less of a problem. My OA book and 12-step journal were delivered to Mark's on Monday (I get all my packages delivered there, because they'll drop them off at his door--you might say I'm sleeping with the guy from the mailroom...), so I'll get them tonight. That will help me. I've been keeping an honest (!) food journal, and have been writing a Plan of Eating for myself every day this week. It seems to be really effective in getting my mind off food, actually. I guess the theory is, if you already know what you're going to eat, you don't need to plan it and obsess over it all day. Like I forgot to do one last night, and all day I've been kind of off about it. I mean, I haven't binged, but I've certainly felt the urge to just go home and pick up some stuff at points during the day. Though actually I have had a Plan--in my head--but was confounded by the fact that the bagel guy was running late to the grocery store (so I was not able to have one for breakfast, per my Plan, and had to race around the store, almost frantic, until I found those single-serving, totally overpriced oatmeal bowls--it was either that or some nasty, unhealthy cereal bar, and I think I did pretty well). And that kind of threw off the rest of the day--though, as planned, I am going to Baja Fresh with Renata between the two recitals tonight. And I even planned to possibly get a drink with Mark tonight. See, over the past two weeks--since I've been keeping the Food Journal--I've realized that I really don't eat that badly. I know how to eat healthy, and I know about portion sizes--but when I'm bingeing I obviously don't care about any of that. I mean, we all need to fit in more vegetables, and I'm working on eating less fast food (and usually choosing salad or chili when I must), so I don't think I'm doing all that bad. Of course, I could be totally deluding myself. But I think it's gonna be okay. :) :) :)

...I just found out that two of the other grad students (Mary and Dan) had their apartment broken into this morning...Mary was coming home at about 11:30 and saw people through the windows in her place! The person I talked to didn't know much about the damage, but apparently Dan's large DVD collection is GONE. This is so scary. I can't even imagine what that must be like. There's another reason I want to stay in my apartment complex next year--I feel relatively safe up there, five miles from downtown. Their apartment complex is right near campus--in a not-so-nice area. Plus there's been a string of unsolved sexual assaults (over the last year, maybe) that have occurred right around campus. Totally creepy.

So I've put up a handful of signs in the music building looking for a roommate, but nothing yet. I really feel like a loser that nobody I know wants to move in with me. I keep trying to tell myself that people just have their own lives and their own arrangements, that it's nothing personal and that I'll find somebody eventually, but it still makes me feel like some fat, ugly, unpopular girl that has to beg people to be her friend or something. I think everybody has that voice in their heads. Or maybe it's just me. It's like I never left high school! Like for instance: I put up a sign on this really prominent bulletin board last night, and this morning it was gone. In its place was a poster for a hip-hop concert happening tonight. Even though I realize now that it wasn't personal--that it was just random people being stupid or whatever--I immediately jumped to the conclusion that it was personal, that someone had taken my sign down just because they didn't like me and wanted me to suffer. My rational side says, why would somebody take time out of their life to do that?, but the irrational side says, see, this is confirmation: they don't like you, they think your voice sucks and they purposely did that to try to get you to not come back to school next semester. See how crazy it is? I wish I could just turn the volume up on the rational voices, you know? But I think this is something my program will help me deal with, in time.

And SPEAKING of the voices in my head, here's what I was actually planning about today. I actually have a confession to make--something I don't know if anybody knows, really. Y'all probably know that I like corny '80s pop "metal"--that I'll hush people in my car if Bon Jovi or Def Leppard (and, rarely, Firehouse). But among the corny late '90s pop "alternative" bands, my favorite is--eek! I am so scared to admit this--Matchbox 20. And yeah, their music is passing good on the surface--some good guitar riffs, okay lyrics, etc.--it all has to do with the lead singer--eek!--Rob Thomas. Now, before you start thinking, she thinks he's hot? she's out of her MIND!!, let me explain! They came out like senior year of college or something, right? Anyway, while I was living in Chapel Hill, Joanna and I had a conversation about Rob Thomas--maybe around the time "Smooth" (that duet with Carlos Santana, which y'all must admit is a good song) came out. She said she didn't like his voice, and did a funny impression of his overly covered, contrived vocal color. I said, yeah, I understand, but there's something about him that I like. Then I remembered. There was some video they had, way back in the Twentieth Century (haha), where I remember thinking that he looked like a certain theater major who chickened out of sleeping with me... Of course he doesn't, not really, but that thought propelled me into a crazy tailspin. Now every time I hear a Matchbox 20 song (which is just about every day), I get...well...eek!--turned on. And that makes me feel like a terrible (and deranged) person. I've totally made up my mind that Rob Thomas's voice is the epitome of sexiness when that is really not true at all. (Young Pavarotti, yes. Rob Thomas, NO!!) And granted, "Smooth" is a sexy song (I think--or is that part of the crazy?), but that has SO much more to do with Santana and the horns and the sexy rhythms, don't you think? Very little at all to do with Rob Thomas--but that just puts it over the edge, you know? And now dorky songs like "Push" and "3 a.m." and "Disease" have this totally different meaning for me. And it all has to do with that person who doesn't even deserve MENTION!!! It makes me angry that this happens to me, because it almost feels like cheating. And I can't even believe I'm telling anybody this, but I still have this particular fantasy about meeting said person in the Manhattan Mall and going to his place to knock boots for hours and hours. I even can imagine the outfit I was planning to wear that day--red v-neck, wrap-around khaki miniskirt (which closed with Velcro--one firm tug and it would come right off...). And I don't think I could ever tell Mark. It doesn't have anything to do with him, I swear. I'll admit, there are parts of me that miss the anticipation and spontaneity of a brand-new relationship, but I would NEVER, EVER sacrifice the amazing life I've made with Mark for some cheap tumble. And particularly not for a tumble with some jerk who let me down more times than I can count. I certainly don't have feelings for that guy anymore. Maybe it's just that things seemed unfinished between us--and my dirty mind can run away with the "unfinished business" theme and, well, finish things... I don't know. I guess I'm hoping that one day I'll see him again (at a reunion or something) and finally be able to prove to myself that he's nothing, that God had very good reasons for not wanting our relationship consummated (isn't that a funny thing to say?). Maybe one of those reasons is that I'd have even more baggage than I already have. And maybe that baggage would have gotten in the way of my meeting and loving Mark. I'll never know. But it's still so weird. Hell, maybe there's something in the 12 Steps to fix this one, too!! :) God, don't let me turn into one of those people! Though I've used the serenity prayer effectively more than once in the past few weeks...

And while I'm on music and college guys, have y'all ever heard the real reason why I hate the Goo Goo Dolls? I know, they generally suck musically, but the kicker for me is because I associate them with this other guy who I was friends with back in '98 (for those of you not keeping up, that was The Slut Year). I met him through that improv troupe I was in. He had this fixation with my breasts, actually. Things were just strange between us. He told me he had feelings for me right before (like, the day before) the first time I hooked up with the Theater Guy. In fact, he was the one who brought Theater Guy back and forth to my apartment that night (a group of us went out for drinks...long story). That summer (between junior and senior years), I ended up going to Binghamton with him for a few days. We stayed at his place and basically just goofed off for a long weekend. The whole time he was totally pushing up on me, but (again!) couldn't seal the deal. Once we attempted to sleep in the same bed, but neither of us could sleep. It just didn't work. At that point I wasn't sure how I felt about him. I liked him as a friend, but he kind of made me feel uncomfortable. Within a few weeks after our trip, I was convinced that I was interested in him. I eventually told him so, and actually thought we would get together. Then I found out he wasn't coming back in the fall because of money (notice the pattern of being let down by "men"). I was kind of sad, but I got over it. I began to realize that I didn't actually have feelings for him--I must have just convinced myself that I did, because he was nice to me and liked me. And that he did make me feel uncomfortable, and that was just a bad sign. Other than the fact that he seemed unnaturally interested in my body (granted, I was a hot tamale back in '98), the problem may have been that he just wasn't that bright. (Or so Theater Guy and I determined, while hooking up--again!--a month later.) ANYWAY, this actually does have something to do with the Goo Goo Dolls. We were in his car, sometime on that trip to B-town, when the song (yuck) "Iris" came on the radio. He told me that he really liked the song, particularly because he felt the lyrics were so deep--"Everything feels like the movies/Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive" was the part he specifically mentioned. So that's why I hate the Goo Goo Dolls.

Okay, this is like way too long. Going to the recital now.....

On second reading, that could TOTALLY be a lesbian song, in like every way. Change all the "him"s to "her"s, and voila. I remember as a kid hearing the song that it sounded weird, "because Jessie is a GIRL's name!" And I still think it is. I've never known a guy named Jess. That's a sucky name for a guy. Who would name their son that? There was Jesse from high school--why can't I think of his last name right now? All I can think of is that we called him Muffin or Dresser Baby, depending on the day. He was so cute.

YOUNG!! Jesse Young! I'm glad I thought of it. Now my mind can rest.

I have to work on a country dance presentation now, but speaking of presentations, I just found out that my opera presentation is a week from today. Yup. Doesn't that suck? Well, I guess I'll be playing with PowerPoint tonight. :)

Guess what I just heard on the radio??

(I've italicized the part I'm particularly tuned into.)

Jessie is a friend, yeah, I know he's been a good friend of mine
But lately something's changed that ain't hard to define
Jessie's got himself a girl and I want to make her mine

And she's watching him with those eyes
And she's lovin' him with that body, I just know it
Yeah 'n' he's holding her in his arms late, late at night

CHORUS:
You know, I wish that I had Jessie's girl
I wish that I had Jessie's girl
Where can I find a woman like that

I play along with the charade, there doesn't seem to be a reason to change
You know, I feel so dirty when they start talking cute
I wanna tell her that I love her, but the point is probably moot

'Cos she's watching him with those eyes
And she's lovin' him with that body, I just know it
And he's holding her in his arms late, late at night

CHORUS

Like Jessie's girl, I wish that I had Jessie's girl
Where can I find a woman, where can I find a woman like that

And I'm lookin' in the mirror all the time, wondering what she don't see in me
I've been funny, I've been cool with the lines
Ain't that the way love supposed to be

--Rick Springfield

It's just really cool in that WE ARE THE '80S way, you know?

More later.

Argh. What a long two weeks I have had. I finally finished the second paper this afternoon. On two hours of sleep. I am tired. Very tired. And I have to sing in rep class in about an hour. Wish me luck.

I will write more tomorrow, but I wanted to let you all know that I was still alive, and also I wanted to share this quiz I got from Erik:




"bully for you, chilly for me, got to get a raincheck on pain"

quiz created by neondisease

Which David Bowie single are you?


I believe it, actually. Why not? It's got that whole strutty groove I like... I'm just glad it was a song I know. :)

Apparently eentsy was down for a few days...I have posted in the last week! I'm on my way to class--more later.

p.s. Finished my opera paper this morning! I had to cut a whole section out of it--as it is I'm handing in 34 pages (including 2 appendices and bibliography and 27 musical examples)..... All I have to do is photocopy in my musical examples and it is out of my hands for GOOD. Until the presentation...

This is a very bizarre quiz to which Cathy has linked:

alt="Take this quiz!"
src="http://www.geegaw.com/archives/humor/blackbile.JPG">
Which Humor
Troubles the Disposition of YOUR Body?

I wonder where people get all their spare time!

I'm having a strange week. I went to my first OA meeting on Monday night--it was a positive experience, and though I don't have a sponsor or any literature or anything yet, I think it may be the answer. There's another meeting tomorrow night, which I plan on attending.

So now I have two papers due on Monday. I'm just really unmotivated about them, which is really bad! I've been tired for several days (due to the early rising/Daylight Savings Time/my period), so I don't feel like doing much of anything. But at least I've been working out, and NOT BINGEING, which is just as important as doing the papers. But I really need to get moving on this stuff! If I commit myself to writing three pages a night--which is nothing--then...well, that's only twelve pages. And I need, like, twenty-five. Okay. I have four hours until rehearsal. If I go home right now I'll have three hours before I have to leave--I should be able to squeeze in my introduction and a paragraph or two by then. Then I get home at about eight, and stay up until I have five pages for the day. And I'm already starting with three--that's not too bad, is it? I would love to finish the opera paper on Friday so I can spend Sunday and Monday on the dance paper, which is shorter and is only a rough draft. That way I can reread the opera paper before I turn it in. Done! Okay, I have my tasks ahead of me. So now I have to leave.

Oh, my birthday was pretty good, but I was in a crappy mood for most of the day (PMS!). Thank you for the presents, Cathy--they are SO funny! I will get back to everybody I've neglected on Tuesday, when I (hopefully) will be done with these papers for the time being....

Back so soon?! I've decided I don't need to go to this master class--that it's more important right now for me to:

1. GO OUTSIDE (it's over 80 degrees!);
2. Finish straightening up my apartment (as my parents will be arriving tomorrow)--mostly I mean putting away the laundry;
3. Work on my opera paper--the final copy is due next Friday, and I want to have something ready for my teacher to look at before it's time to turn it in;
4. Pay my rent, and complain to the office staff about people parking illegally in the fire lane (I'm such a bitch!);
5. Listen to some music (I've been in a Sarah MacLachlan mood lately);
6. Take a nap (more on that later);
7. Get ready for my BIRTHDAY (though I am far too old to be excited by such temporal things).

I know I've been a blogging slackass lately, but I really haven't been spending much time in the library lately. But I have worked out three days in a row (go me!)--Wednesday and today I went to the campus gym with Vanessa (at 6 A.M.!), and yesterday I started the BodyFlex program. You know, the one with the slightly creepy bleached-blonde fifty-something lady named Greer? Before you say I've succumbed to QVC quackery, let me at least say that Vanessa has done really well with it. And it's exercise nevertheless, and I didn't spend any money (just borrowed V.'s book), so no loss. On Monday I plan to go to my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting (I haven't been able to go because of my rehearsals)--wish me luck. Maybe I'm actually getting a grip on my life. That feels pretty good, I guess.

I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do about this summer, though. I found out last week that grad students don't get financial aid for the summer session unless they register for three graduate-level credits. The class I was planning to take (Fundamentals of Acting!) is a 100-level course. I basically need to take a class, otherwise I can't afford to pay my rent! So I'm going to see if I can get independent-study music credit for the class--maybe I'd need to write a little paper or something. It's worth a shot, in any case. If not, I'll probably work half the day at my permanent job and try to get a temp part-time job for half the day. I'm not sure how well that's going to work out, considering I still really want to do that summer program in Minneapolis. I'm probably going to cash in my ancient savings bonds for that venture--I've been saving them for something special, and I'd say this program would qualify.

Cathy: I found out yesterday that Joan Sutherland--{ahem} Dame Joan Sutherland is about 6'3". I never knew that before. She's pretty damn cool--and is older than my grandfather.

In other opera news: Merry Wives is going well. We're having a good time--except that the costumes are too hot and I have to spend ten minutes crouching on stairs in a mask and hood and cape and ankle-length dress and tights. But it's only momentary discomfort--and soon after I get to take off my stage makeup, which always makes me happy. :) We have performances tonight and Sunday afternoon. We probably won't get out tonight until 11:30 or so--pictures......

Friday Five

1. How many houses/apartments have you lived in throughout your life?

About twelve--five since undergrad.

2. Which was your favorite and why?

Probably the condo I shared in Wilmington. My own personal space without having to share a bathroom--plus there was somebody else not too far away. And Mark lived just a mile or two away.

3. Do you find moving house more exciting or stressful? Why?

It is my LEAST favorite thing, EVER. I like being in a new place--it's just the actual packing and hauling and cleaning I don't like.

4. What's more important, location or price?

They're equally important.

5. What features does your dream house have (pool, spa bath, big yard, etc.)?

Big whirlpool bathtub for two (shaped like a champagne glass?!), high ceilings and a loft, a pretty kitchen with lots of counterspace, NO wallpaper ANYWHERE, a music room, a yard for Mark to putter in, laundry facilities (!)... I can't think of anything else.

Maybe more soon...

Today was our first performance of the opera. The audience was completely composed of middle-school students who didn't understand what was going on. They liked the part where Falstaff got hit with sticks and was ridden like a horse, though... I'm having a good time with the opera, even though I'm just in the ensemble. Or maybe because I'm just in the ensemble--very low-stress. When I don't need to worry about my part, I have even less stage fright than usual. Now tomorrow I'm worried about --I have to sing in the Wolf song rep class. Must take low breaths! Must control my palate space! Must portray two different characters (a Romany woman and a cocky man who's a bad shot)! All that in front of a professor whose approval I need to have for next year. I guess I shouldn't put so much pressure on myself and just SING.

Just now I had a meeting with my opera professor about my paper. Yuck. It's due a week from Friday (4/11). Then the rough draft for my dance paper is due the following Monday (4/14). You'd think I could relax a bit on the rough draft--except that I don't know anything about my topic yet, and I have to read like TWENTY articles before then.

Ergghhhh....stress.....

So now I have to go to Student Health and tell my PA that the Zantac like, TOTALLY doesn't work on me....Wish me luck... :)

Friday Five

1. What was your most memorable moment from the last week?
I don't think I have just one. But how about eating a HUGE burrito in like five minutes (I was late for rehearsal) and feeling sick for hours afterward? That was Wednesday.

2. What one person touched your life this week?
Mark. I've been thinking about him all day.

3. How have you helped someone this week?
I talked to Cathy on Wednesday, and gave Vanessa a ride to Wal-Mart on Monday.

4. What one thing do you need to get done by this time next week?
BALANCE MY CHECKBOOK!!! Though I downloaded the transaction record on Wednesday.

5. What one thing will you do over the next seven days to make your world a better place?
Pray for this fucking war to end. Among other things.

I have a lot on my mind right now, but I'll write more later. :)

Getting things accomplished today... It feels good, for a change! Tonight I will DEFINITELY balance my checkbook. It's been like two months. I'm not kidding. How embarrassing is that?! Now you all know how much I trust and love you. :D

And speaking of getting things accomplished: Greg, weren't we supposed to put my comments script back up while I was in New York? I guess we both forgot about it. Anyway, whenever you get a chance, go for it. I miss those damn things!

I've just updated the link to Cathy's site--if don't want me to I can get rid of it. I wouldn't worry about stalkers, though--even people I invite to look at this page can't find it, for Christ's sake!

I'm using a lot of exclamation points, aren't I? Deal!

Before I forget--the mind-numbingly embarrassing thing that happened last Monday (which feels like two months ago, so much has happened since) was that my cell phone went off during my voice teacher's recital. The Mexican Hat Dance, for twenty seconds. I didn't try to turn it off because it was at the bottom of my bag, and I (erroneously) thought that it would be more distracting for me to dig through my backpack (tampons and Post-Its and vitamins flying in all directions) than to just wait it out. I was MORTIFIED, and apparently it set the faculty abuzz. Anyway, it was totally humiliating for like three days, and then the war started. Not to say that it's anything at all like a silver lining, but I did sort of welcome the distraction. Well, also, I wrote an apologetic note to my teacher (who was totally gracious about the whole thing anyway), so nobody could point their finger and say I wasn't contrite. And I have certainly learned my lesson--I put my phone on Silent as soon as I step onto school property. I will NEVER let that happen again. I mean, I'm one of those people who catch attitudes about people on the phone in restaurants, which is definitely not as bad as what happened to me. ANYWAY, now you know the whole story.

I have to get dinner now--rehearsal at 7pm! I'm going to try out this pseudo-Mexican joint everybody keeps talking about...

I had a few minutes so I thought I would say hey to everybody. Rehearsals are going well--though both of the tenor principals had mishaps onstage Sunday night (one fell 8 feet, straight down, and was fine; the other slipped and badly sprained his ankle); you'd think this was Macbeth or something. I just hope nobody else gets hurt. I'm currently resting vocally--I had some bad reflux Sunday night that totally fried my cords, plus I'm still recuperating from all the coughing last week, so I decided not to push it. I have to sing in rep next week and in the Wolf song rep class on the 3rd (which I'm starting to stress over--it's important to have this professor approve of my performance!) in addition to the opera performances which start on Wednesday. Meanwhile I'm trying to learn this really difficult new aria without singing. Whee. In other news: the war greatly upsets me, so I avoid the news when I can. Of course, there are some things I can't avoid...I feel like all we can do right now is pray for the Iraqi people and our soldiers, and hope that something will at least get accomplished in exchange for all this stupidity. Maybe God is trying to teach us something for allowing G. W. B. to get elected. How can we embellish that acronym? Great White Boob? God Wishes [for] Bill [Clinton]? Have fun with that one. Anyway, I have to eat dinner before rehearsal. Stay safe and know that I care about you, wherever you are.

Friday Five

1. If you had the chance to meet someone you've never met, from the past or present, who would it be?
-----Mozart. Or Angela Carter. And Ani would be pretty cool to meet, too, but I probably would just act stupid. :)

2. If you had to live in a different century, past or future, which would it be?
-----In the year 2525. No, really, I think going forward 200 years or so would be great. Provided there hasn't been some sort of nuclear holocaust or something.

3. If you had to move anywhere else on Earth, where would it be?
-----The country, somewhere in Europe (Germany or Italy?) where I won't be too far from a mid-size city.

4. If you had to be a fictional character, who would it be?
-----Jane Austen's Emma. Balls, piano lessons, nothing to do but play matchmaker and live in denial...

5. If you had to live with having someone else's face as your own for the rest of your life, whose would it be?
-----Catherine Zeta-Jones. Wouldn't that be nice? I'll take her hair, too. :)

Lots going on this week. I should have written sooner, but I was having drama earlier in the week that I needed to work through before I could commit it to my blog (i.e. I didn't want to get all upset again). But everything's okay now. We're currently in Hell Week(s) for the opera--just started last night. Looking forward to lots of late nights...

Yes, I am back. Spring Break was not nearly long enough. None of my friends were in Wilmington last weekend, though I did get to go to Golden Corral with my parents and little brother. (Brandan's first Golden Corral experience...I doubt he'll be going back... :>) The trip to New York was great--it was wonderful to see Helen and Greg and the girls, but yes indeedy, I sure did catch that cold! Blech. It hit me Friday morning. I think I'm on the road to wellness (your garden-variety upper respiratory viruses have a five- or six-day shelf life with me), but I sure did feel crappy yesterday... Oh, speaking of which, yesterday (and today) was the time I allocated to write my opera rough draft. This was unwise. Sure, I could have done it--if I'd finished all those aria analyses before yesterday evening, and if I'd created the analysis charts before this morning...This is going to be one long-ass paper when it's finished, you know? Anyway, it was due at 4 pm, so I worked until 3:30 (to finish typing that last table), threw on clothes and flew to campus to drop it in my teacher's box. Then I had to sing in rep class (which I found out about yesterday, wouldn't you know). It went pretty well considering my sickness. (Plus my teacher wasn't there anyway--she's doing a recital in ten minutes.) So anyway, yeah, my Cosi fan tutte paper is woefully incomplete. But I think she can at least see where I'm headed with everything. Or at least she'll be able to once I compile musical examples...

Oh, I didn't mention it, but Mark and I went to a hockey game yesterday. $26 tickets in the last possible row (for real!) and neither team could manage to score! Well, we had a pretty good time, nevertheless. I just love being with my baby. Except when he's making me carry heavy things, like bundles of newspapers. But that was over a year ago...

And all that angst about my mother staying in my apartment? Bah! It went fine! She actually likes what I've done with the place. I guess all that time arranging the condiments paid off... :)

After forgetting to post last week (what with my power difficulties and all), here's The Friday Five:

1. What was the last song you heard?
"Evenflow" by Pearl Jam. It was the album version, not the preferred MTV live-ish version. As I sang along (best I could--it's not 1991 anymore, after all), I thought that I couldn't remember the last time I'd sung along to a Pearl Jam song on the radio...

2. What were the last two movies you saw?
In the movie theater? ADAPTATION and CHICAGO. I loved them both, and hope they both win a cartload of Oscars.

3. What were the last three things you purchased?
Besides food and drycleaning and developed photographs? That would be: a sparkly purple purse-sized hairbrush, Queen Helene facial scrub, and 2 boxes of Trojan Magnums with Spermicide. I had a COUPON!! (Well, you wanted to know...)

4. What four things do you need to do this weekend?
Get together with my Wilmington people, work on my Mozart paper, go to the beach, and perhaps use one of those 24 you-know-whats...

5. Who are the last five people you talked to?
My mother (on the phone), Luz (my former supervisor), the waiter at Applebee's (where we had lunch), the hostess at Applebee's, and Mark (at the paper, before I used the ladies' room).

Long week...

Here I am in Wilmington, at the UNCW library. I just had lunch with Luz, my old supervisor (who's building her first house--go Luz!) and am ready to get a few hours of Cosi fan tutte work in before my 4pm massage appointment. (No, I'm not really a Junior League grey-hair! But doesn't it sound that way? Hell, if salads at Applebee's, schlepping books to the library in the rain, and cashing in a Christmas gift certificate make me sound bourgeois, well, so be it!)

I'm feeling pretty good today, actually--even though I can't seem to reach Amanda and Nancy, and I really wanted to meet with both of them this weekend! This week has just been trying for me. I've just been in a weird space. I was supposed to perform at this Studio Voice Recital on Tuesday, but because of some typical miscommunication (which is my only real complaint about the voice faculty) I wasn't signed up to do it--but I ended up having a really good lesson Monday and am poised to do two Strauss songs I love at the next one (in May). This one song really makes me weep...here's the poem, and imagine heartbreaking Late Romantic music with that. Ouch...beware of high larynx!

Anyway. Tuesday I met with my dance professor, and we discussed the fact that I basically don't know how to do research, mostly because it's been so long since I've taken Research Methods (3 1/2 years) that all the technology has changed. For the better, of course, but there are all these new, useful research sources that I just don't know about. Oh, well. After this semester I may not have to worry about papers much anymore. :)

Wednesday I finally went to Student Health for a follow-up visit on my GERD (reflux)--the PA (who was really nice, and reminded me of somebody, I don't remember who) put me on Zantac to see if it would work in place of Prevacid (which is $108 per month at SHS without insurance!). I also bit the bullet and mentioned to him that my binge eating problem is an important trigger for the reflux. He suggested the counseling center--where I'd already been, and which didn't help my problems. But I decided to do a little research, and I think I'm going to start attending Overeaters Anonymous meetings. The twelve-step thing seemed to work wonders for my father--and millions of other people--so why not me? The only thing that feels scary about it is that it means I may actually give up this crutch, once and for all. It really is unnerving to think about! But I'm trying to level with myself: are you happy about the way you look? about all of your clothes being too tight? about getting winded from one flight of stairs? about feeling too tired after binging that all you can do is roll into bed, which means getting behind in your schoolwork? about feeling inadequate? Then DO something, damn it--this method of dealing with life is obviously not effective! Anyway, that's what I'm trying to tell myself. The only problem is that the local meetings conflict with my MERRY WIVES rehearsals. I guess I can try to wait it out a month--maybe just the realization that this really IS a problem, and that I CAN'T handle it alone, will help keep things in better check. Just wait it out...

Oh, I had my costume fitting Wednesday. My costume is totally cute! I have this lace-up overjacket/underskirt/fake blouse inset-type-thing that fits--and works with my figure instead of against it. No potato sack here! I'll make sure I get pictures...

And yesterday I went to work, cleaned my apartment like crazy (i.e. bleach was involved) for my mother's impending visit, then went to class. I actually talked to Elena, which was good. I've been subconsciously avoiding her, and I'm not totally sure why. Mostly I've been kind of weirded out since last Thursday and the whole ice storm thing (I had called to see if I could stay with her, but she ended up not checking her messages until after our midterm)--plus I guess I've been wanting to give her and Jeff some space. I've just been feeling socially very awkward and forced lately, and feeling like a third wheel makes me feel even worse. I guess deep down I know we're cool, but it's sometimes hard to reconcile that with myself. Anyway, I think this and the binging thing are related, somehow. I mean, I always feel awkward eating in front of people, so for the three of us to go to dinner is difficult for me sometimes, depending on how I'm feeling.

Damn, there's been a lot of honesty in this post! That's enough for now--I need to get to work!!! Ah, well, now I only have like forty minutes before I have to go...

I found this article about people who get songs stuck in their heads on Dave Barry's site. Apparently they are usually fans of music (duh) and often are neurotic and have stress problems. They really painted my portrait, didn't they?

Good news! (I think...) The due date for my rough draft has been pushed to the Monday after break, March 17th. Yay! I'll sleep this week. But I'll have that damn paper hanging over my head all week long if I don't get a good jump on it before I leave. So that is what I must do. And I'm meeting with my dance professor tomorrow afternoon to talk about that paper. I'm almost starting to feel productive.

My costume fitting for the opera is on Wednesday--do you think I'll get to be an elf or a fairy? Discuss. I bet the skinny girls get to be fairies, which makes me an elf. At least I still get pointy ears, hopefully! Hell, as long as I'm comfortable, my bra doesn't show, and I don't have to wear a potato sack, I can't complain. And you know, sometimes I forget that I'm the second-oldest ensemble member--and the oldest soprano, by like three years! Some of those girls were born in 1984, for Christ's sake! These people don't remember the Challenger explosion or "We Are the World" or Back to the Future--or the Mets winning the World Series! Shit. Pardon my "Child of the '80s" moment, but damn, those kids are young!

Oh, you'll notice I've added an e-mail address to my page...those of you who know me, please continue to contact me the usual ways. This address is just for visitors! (That, and the inbox is already crammed with twelve-inch penis offers. They really don't discriminate, do they?)

Blech.

After all that stuff I said about not procrastinating, do I have even ONE of those eight arias analyzed for my opera paper? Nope. Well, I guess I have an excuse for the last few days--my power went out (again) on Thursday afternoon because of fallen power lines (again), so not only did I have to study for my midterm while loitering at Panera and Krispy Kreme (for the libraries were closed because of the ice storm--not that the roads were icy at all...), but I couldn't shower and I had to type up a take-home essay for the midterm on Friday morning with an e-mail program since the computer lab was occupied by classes. It was all totally sucky--the test wasn't bad, though, so I'm just glad that whole thing is over. I went to Raleigh this weekend (the ice problems were really localized, so Mark was fine) and had a choral concert today, so I didn't get home until 7:30. I was elated to see my porchlight on. Apparently the power didn't come back on until THIS AFTERNOON. Thank God spring is coming--I can't handle another one of these storms. Many tears were shed, many doses of Tums and chai tea were administered, etc.

So here I am at the big library (needed some dance documentation)--parking in the center of campus is not an option before 7pm on the weekdays, so it's such a pain in the ass to get here. And I'm sleepy. But I have about four weeks of laundry on my bed waiting for me, ready to be folded/hung, and Talk Sex is on tonight, so it'll be a while before I get to bed.

OH--did I mention that my mother will be spending a night or two in my apartment the weekend after next? While I'm not there?! One of her favorite televangelists will be in the next town over on the 14th--I'll still be in Raleigh on Spring Break. So my place has to be IMMACULATE when I leave on Friday morning at 7:15am, not having slept, barely-coherent rough draft in my twitching hand. Great news, huh? Maybe she'll bring her vacuum up--my carpet sweeper was a waste of money. I'm trying to be positive about it, but my mother is really funny about cleanliness. I'm sure she'll find something to pick at. And what if she sees the rum in the freezer? I'll have to hide it, I guess. Funny, I thought I was an adult...

I'm currently chatting with H&R Block--I've just filed my tax return online and am set to get back just over $1,000!!! I'm very excited. I think I'll be able to go with Mark to Cape Cod for this wedding in May now. Or maybe I should just thank my lucky stars and sit on that cash like Scrooge McDuck. Minus the brogue and the spats...and I usually wear pants. :)

So here's my little commercial for H&R Block. If you go to this website, scroll down and click on "Online Tax Preparation" next to the H&R Block logo. (There's a discount associated with this website, so you can't go through H&R Block directly.) You'll get your federal return for $19.95, and your state return is free. I totally recommend it. (I would do my taxes myself if I could and save the money, but they've gotten a bit more complicated these days, what with miscellaneous unreported income and tuition credits and student loan interest credits and blah blah blah...)

So I'm in a much better mood than before. I've just been in a real dark spot lately. Overloaded with work (I've closed the library two nights in a row), feeling socially awkward, lethargic, nighttime food issues, crazy reflux... A lot of worrying, mostly. I'm worried about school, of course--I have a whole lot of work to do before next Friday morning!--and the fact that the President is an asshole who's dragging this country into a war that very few people think is a good idea, but I've also spent a lot of time thinking about those two nightclub incidents last week. Great White actually played in the next city over just two weeks ago--I heard the commercials on the radio for it. That concert in Rhode Island was something I might have attended. All those people...I'm so claustrophobic, you know, and terrified of suffocating, and I'm generally not crazy about big crowds in small spaces, either. So I keep wondering what I would have done in that situation. Granted, I wouldn't have been all that close to the stage (for the above reasons), but yeah, I probably would have headed right for the front door, perhaps to be trampled or suffocated or burned alive with those other 25 people crammed behind the door. It really scares me. I guess the only option I have is to tell myself to check out the emergency exits next time I go to a concert. Simple, right? But it doesn't stop me from being scared.

(Oh, by the way, I won't be able to go to that Tori Amos concert tomorrow--my opera midterm, which was supposed to be yesterday, has been pushed back to Friday because of school cancellations, so I will be using the extra time to study. It sucks, but I guess that's the price I'm paying for being an "adult student". If that's what I am.)

Anyway, I don't mean to depress you all. I'm just trying to take things one step at a time--and I am starting to see results.

p.s. A special shout-out to Cathy, for personal reasons. You go on, girl!!!!!!!!!!! :'D

Not much time to write, but here's The Friday Five, at least...

1. What is your most prized material possession?
My car. I never realized how important it would be. It was also the best present I've ever received, with that poem as a close second. :)

2. What item, that you currently own, have you had the longest?
My stuffed panda bear, which my great-grandmother bought for me when I was a newborn. I named him Spot in second grade, when I realized that he didn't have a name.

3. Are you a packrat?
Perhaps...but I'm getting better. I have saved every greeting card I've received since my tenth birthday, but that's more of a sentimental collection than evidence that I'm a packrat. About twice a year I give away books I don't read and clothes I don't wear, and at the end of every semester I throw away any paperwork that seems redundant or unimportant.

4. Do you prefer a spic-and-span clean house? Or is some clutter necessary to avoid the appearance of a museum?
B)--though you'd sooner prepare my apartment to a disaster area than a museum. Weeks of clean laundry slowly wrinkle on my bedroom floor. I have to shove away papers on the coffee table in order to find a coaster. And sometimes my shoes don't get put away. But it's really not bad...

5. Do the rooms in your house have a theme? Or is it a mixture of knick-knacks here and there?
The theme is, "Here's all the stuff we could fit in the pickup." I dunno...I have a lot of candles, but I don't think that's a theme. My bedroom is supposed to look celestial. I have art posters and retro liquor ads up in the dining room--that's the redneck bistro, I suppose. And I guess the living room is supposed to look vaguely Moroccan--lots of royal blue and rich colors. (Though there's not much you can do with cream walls and tan carpet.) Oh, and I have a tin Campbell's Soup sign in my kitchen. I have this thing about old advertisements, I guess.

This has been a yucky week. I've been tired a lot of the time and I get lightheaded at night. I'm just feeling pissy with the world... My workload probably has something to do with it--all the stuff I've been giving the once-over-lightly treatment all semester is starting to clamor for my attention, all at the same time. Whoopee. And I'm not at the danger point yet, but I'm beginning to see that with a few missteps and delays I could be, soon. But I'm still not giving up my Saturdays, damn it! I'm on my way to Raleigh in like, five minutes. Hope you all have a great weekend.

Not much going on here--fighting some serious ennui, though. The snowstorm most of you are currently digging out of hit us on Sunday--sleet and freezing rain. I almost skidded out on the highway--and saw almost a dozen other vehicles that had. That was unpleasant. Yesterday I stayed in my nightgown all day and watched The Proud Family all afternoon.

Mark wrote me a poem for Valentine's Day! I cried. It was so amazingly sweet. A few weeks ago I mentioned that I wanted him to write me a poem (I got the idea from The Bachelorette, where one of the men writes Trista totally goofy, high-school poetry--I figured Mark's would be better, since he's a writer and all), but I wasn't fishing for it or expecting it on any special occasion... So I was very pleasantly surprised. I got him some T-shirts and Homer Simpson boxers--not so romantic. And I made us chicken curry and carrot-raisin salad for dinner--very good. No play, though--we were both really tired.

Anyway, I hope things are good with everyone. Hope the babies are feeling better, Helen!!